“Doing good,” you say….
Wait. What? No you’re not. You’re not fine; you’re frazzled! Despite the friendly chit-chat and catching
up, you never admit that you’re worn out and worn away.
Why not tell the truth? Why not answer with the cold, hard facts?
I do this all of the
time. And I think it’s time to
stop. I have lots of “good” reasons for
stuffing my bad feelings or bad days down deep.
I don’t want to burden someone else with my problems. I want to forget the bad day and move on to
something else. I’m embarrassed that my
careful plans didn’t play out the way I expected. I feel like a failure, a loser with a capital
“L.” I don’t want to cry in the bread
aisle.
Mostly, I think I hide the ugly
truth because I believe that pretending it’s not there will make it not
exist. I’ve always been a stubborn
girl. Even as a little kid I believed I
could do things without other people’s help.
When I was 6 or 7 at my grandparents’ house at Fletcher’s Bay on
Bainbridge Island, I tried to carry a full-sized rowboat all by myself down to
the water. I remember that moment
sharply because I wanted to prove that I was a tough girl and could handle
it. As I am getting older I realize that
being tough is good, but being honest is even better.
This practice of burying the
truth like a gnarly bone has actually leaked over into my spiritual life. I’ve caught myself not being honest with God In
this same way. I’ve tried to carry my
own burdens with Herculean stubbornness just to prove that I can handle it,
only to be squished under the weight. In
my prayer life I sometimes leave out the unpleasant details of my failures because
I am ashamed of them, as if not speaking of them will make them cease to
exist. And one day, right in the middle
of a prayer, I was struck with the naiveté of my schemes. Oh yeah. God created me…He already knows my weaknesses
and failures. Duh…
Here’s one of many passages
in the Bible that illustrates how well God knows each of us (from Psalm 139):
“Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know everything I do. Lord, even before I say a word, you already
know it. You are all around me—in front
and in back—and have put your hand on me.
Your knowledge is amazing to me; it is more than I can understand. Where can I go to get away from your Spirit? Where can I run from you? If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I lie down in the grave, you are there.”
God knows each of us inside and
out. He knows what we do, what we think,
what we say. God knows everything. Upon first glance this might be a bit unnerving. I mean, I certainly would prefer if I could
hide some actions, thoughts, or words from God.
But here’s the best part of the Psalm, picking up from where I left of:
“If I rise with the sun in the east and settle in the
west beyond the sea, even there you would guide me. With your right hand you would hold me….God,
examine me and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any bad thing in me. Lead me on the road to everlasting life.”
Notice that despite the fact
that God knows each of us to our very fibers, He still guides us, holds
us, examines us, knows us, tests us, sees us, and leads
us. In a world where whether or not we
are liked or loved sometimes depends on how we look or act or conduct ourselves
– very conditional things that determine our status – it’s easy to think that
even God looks at us this way. But I
think the key here is that despite
knowing us even better than we know ourselves, God takes us by the hand, guides
our lives and leads us “on the road to
everlasting life.” He doesn’t give
up on us like perhaps others might. He
doesn’t write us off as broken or weak or failed. He takes us by the hand and walks with
us. (How cool is that?).
As David ponders this
unbelievable, unfathomable quality of God, he says to God, “When I wake up, I am still with you.”
The converse is also true…When we wake up, God is still with
us. After our terrible day, God is still
with us. After we make the same mistake
countless times, God is still with us.
After we fail to do what is right, God is still with us…
And He is guiding, holding,
examining, testing, and leading us. So
have no fears: Tell God everything. He’s not going anywhere without us.
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