1.
Though I am a
teacher and talk in front of people all day long, I get stammer-y,
cotton-mouthed, and tongue-tied when I speak in front of groups of people. Despite my best efforts to curtail this, it
is a miracle when I actually speak in front of the public without looking like
an idiot.
2.
I am very
serious. It’s hard for me to loosen up
and just laugh sometimes.
3.
My natural state
is quite lazy.
4.
I
procrastinate. A lot.
5.
I have a lousy
memory. If I don’t write something down,
it’ll be gone in mere minutes. Currently
there is a note taped to the dashboard of my Subaru shouting OIL CHANGE! at me in all caps.
6.
When someone
offends me in a serious way, it is practically impossible for me to get past
that on an emotional level. Even if I
want to just put the offense behind me and move on, it is very difficult to get
my emotions to follow suit.
7.
Though I don’t
think I’m stupid, it takes me a long time to process complicated (or
semi-complicated) topics. Take my mutual fund, for instance.
I listen intently to my financial planner, but my brain kind of blanks
out and I lose track of the facts. I am slow...
8.
I let my desk
drawers get cluttered, and I wish I was more naturally organized. I have to wrangle the pantry into an
organized state at least every 3 to 4 months, but slowly over time it will
become disorganized again.
9.
I’m not very
competitive. I lack a healthy “killer
instinct” because I’m too laid-back.
Okay, there are probably many
more things, but this list is what came to mind in the past 5 minutes. I have fought against my flaws for
years. I have, in fact, conquered
several of my flaws and eradicated them from my life. For instance, in my teens and twenties, when I
would get angry with someone (a boyfriend, for instance) I would completely
shut down. I would not (could not?) talk
about it. Instead, I would “kill ‘em
with silence.” And I mean for hours or
days. I never liked this about myself,
and with a whole lot of will-power and prayer, I have really gotten past that unpleasant
personality trait.
But let’s face it: Some flaws are such a part of our make-up
we are probably stuck with them. I don’t think I can ever take enough Toast
Master speaking courses to actually get over my cotton-mouthed fear of public
speaking. Despite my innate desire to
remember all the things I need to accomplish in a week, I’m still probably
going to have to tape notes to my car keys and dashboard or I will forget them. And here's a whopper: I am working my butt off to get past my
feelings about someone I work with who did something seriously shady, but I don’t
know if I will ever want to be in the same room with her no matter how hard I try to “get over it.”
I came across a quote this
week that spoke to me regarding flaws.
In her book of essays titled Waiting
for God, Simone Weil (who, though raised in a Jewish, middle-class family,
worked at a an inner-city factory) chronicles her conversion to Christianity as
a young woman. “I think that it is
useless to fight directly against natural weaknesses. One has to force oneself
to act as though one did not have them in circumstances where a duty makes it
imperative; and in the ordinary course of life one has to know these weaknesses,
prudently take them into account, and strive to turn them to good purpose; for
they are all capable of being put to some good purpose.” I’m not gonna lie. I had to read this quote several times to
make sure I understood it properly. What
Weil is saying, I think, is that we humans can’t always fight against our
natural weaknesses. Sometimes will-power
is not enough for us to overcome traits or flaws that are an innate part of who
we are. Sometimes it just is what it
is.
However,
Weil doesn’t take an apathetic stance here either. She goes on to say that at the very least we
need to be aware of our weaknesses, take
honest stock of those weaknesses, and see what we can do with (not in spite of)
our weaknesses. She says that our
personal weaknesses can be put to good
purpose. I love this outlook on
life. Instead of being ashamed of
my various and sundry flaws, I need to see how those flaws can be useful in
my life.
Today, the serious side of my nature really took stock of this concept as I sat in an early morning staff meeting. The person I am having serious struggles with at work was across the room from me but within my peripheral vision. I don’t want to be plagued with bad feelings for this person. Rather, I want to have NO feelings for her at all. I would be happy if I felt absolutely nothing for her. In fact, I am really ashamed of myself that I have so little emotional self-control. Instead, I sat there in that meeting and began to mentally stew. I hate that I wasted even 5 minutes in a staff meeting on feeling anything about her. So I started to pray. I found the words of the Apostle Paul come to mind from 2 Corinthians 12: “…a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Keeping the words of Simone Weil in mind, I realized in that staff meeting that although I am not proud of this kind of evil aspect of myself, there is a good purpose in all of it. Struggling against my nature and asking God to help me in my weakness is most certainly strengthening my faith. And I am proud of the fact that I am alert to my inner nature and not just succumbing to it. Instead, I’m striving to be a better person, and that is never wasted effort! Fortunately, this particular struggle is mostly internal. I doubt anyone at work (other than a few friends with whom I have confided) even know I feel the way I do.
Having weaknesses is not the same as being weak. In fact, being aware of our weaknesses and finding their good purpose can actually be incredibly powerful.
No comments:
Post a Comment